Psychology defines an important developmental process in the growth of children called individuation. When we say that a child is individuating, we mean that he or she is beginning to assert his or her separate identity, especially in relation to his or her parents. As parents we like to term this time in our child’s life as the rebellious phase. The Rebellious phase, is often painfully experienced as an extreme assault on our authority, wisdom, esteem, and good faith. The terms that describe the subjective parental experience of a child’s individuation are hardly limited to the clinical languages of developmental psychology or parenting-guide-books. Your most honest, bold, and creative descriptions would be as good as any. My mother, for instance, had a bumper sticker that read: “Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids”. So many a Bar/Bat Mitzvah child seem to be eagerly ready to take their “rightful” turn at wholehearted individuation.
In the Biblical story of Korah (Numbers: 16), he and his accomplices rise in rebellion against Moses and Aaron. “All the people in the community are holy, and God is with them. Why are you setting yourselves above God’s congregation?” they challenge. Moses is so taken aback by the assault that he literally falls down on his face. Moses turns to God with a bitter complaint. How can they do this to me? “My integrity has been impeccable and I haven’t harmed any of them,” he tells God. Moses seems to be crying the oh-so-common parental cry of anguish: “What do those kids want from me? What have I done to deserve this?” Hearing Moses’ complaint God is filled with anger and is prepared to deliver immediate consequences. God says to Moses and Aaron: “separate yourselves from this community and I will destroy them in an instant”

Moses and Aaron, like the typical compassionate parent, negotiate with God for a lighter punishment. God abides and decides to punish only the rebel leaders. Korah and friends literally get under-grounded, thus the ground shifts and swallows them alive. However, the punishment doesn’t seem to educate and/or calm the Israelites. The next day the whole people gather to criticize and challenge Moses and Aaron – rebellion once again. This time the people defiantly blame Moses and Aaron for the previous day’s deaths. God’s reaction to this latest provocation is quick and decisive. God orders Moses and Aaron to “stand clear of the community” as God sends in a plague. However, Moses and Aaron again intervene on behalf of the people and get God to stop the plague.

At face value the Korah story seems to describe a contentious relationship between Israel and God that also has many parallels to the often-contentious relationship between parents and a rebellious child. God’s harsh response to the people’s rebellion verses Moses and Aaron’s compassionate response may also parallel the stereotypical family roles of tough father and compassionate Mother. But an broader reading of the Korah story will show that the Torah is not merely describing parental dynamics but may actually be teaching us a lesson in effective parenting.

Let us start with the question, are the people pathologically rebellious or may this be but a natural symptom of individuation? Perhaps they are behaving as appropriate for a young nation in the process of self-definition. If this is indeed so, their rebellion and defiance are healthy acts leading to maturation, which deserve a patient response. Why then is God so extremely wrathful? And conversely why are Moses and Aaron the ones so forgiving and protective?

It appears that the Torah is giving expression to two common emotional responses that typically emerge within us when we deal with our individuating children. How often do we explode in wrath in response to our children’s provocations? And how often indeed do we manage to see beyond the immediate irritation and respond to our developing child from a bigger picture perspective. In the Korah story the Torah is modeling both options, one represented in God’s response and the other in Moses and Aaron’s. But why then is God, who we would expect to be the ultimate role model, the less compassionate one? Isn’t it counter intuitive?

Let us read the end of the story. In response to Moses and Aaron’s intervention God had ended the plague. Immediately thereafter God tells Moses: “…take a staff (made from an almond tree) from each…tribe… let each man (tribal chief) write his name on his staff. The staff of the man that is my choice will then blossom.” Here God is asking Moses to set up a constructive conflict resolution project that honors all voices, a sudden and radical shift in approach. God turns away from anger and initiates a resolution based on compassionate arbitration. Thus, God models the possibility of seeing the unfolding individuation through the appearance of rebellion. While representing thoughtless reactivity at the beginning of the story, at the end God models the preferred choice. Listening to Moses and Aaron’s voices compassion, God responds to the individuating Israel with assertive yet loving consideration that allows the “rebellious child’s” maturity to truly blossom, just like the Almond bud.